Friday, September 21, 2012

Disappointed in Me?

It has been brought to my attention that people in my life are disappointed in me.  It really hurt at first; my whole life I've tried to make everyone happy.  However, The more that I thought about it, the more that I agreed with it... to an extent.

Every one has an idea of what their life will be like, and they project that idea onto the people closest to them.  I have an idea of what my future will be, and in my mind, my boyfriend is there, my friends and family are there.  It's not really them, though.  It's what I believe that they will be.  It's my projection of what I imagine the future to be like.  Life, as we know, is so much more unexpected than that!  People change.  Places change.  Nothing stays the same for long.  When you have those kind of expectations of people, it's a unrealistic.  My boyfriend, my friends, my family- they all have a right to change who they are, what they believe, how they live their lives.  And so do I.

I know I'm not what people have wanted me to be.  I have changed so much within the last few years; it's me figuring out who I am, what I believe, and where I'm going.  It's not wrong.  The fact that I'm not living up to the expectation of others doesn't matter.  It did bother me at first since I really like to please people and keep the peace.  But now?  No.  A resounding NO.  No, I don't like to hurt, disappoint, or let down anyone, let alone those close to me.  But to project your ideals onto someone else?  That is what is wrong.  Changing, evolving, and growing are human nature.  It's how we grow up; it's how we survive.  Humans are rational, thinking creatures.  For me to contemplate and research ideas only to change my mind from how I was raised?  That's not wrong, that's life.  That's how individuals find their true beliefs, their true place in this universe.

Do I wish that I didn't have to disappoint these important people?  Absolutely.  I cannot, however, change who I am because of that fact.  I can only be true to myself.  Right now, I feel so independent, so empowered, so motivated.  I have finally figured out enough about myself to fuel my ambitions and dreams.  The fact that I am no longer disappointing myself?  That's what matters most.