Thursday, August 2, 2012

Realization that I'm in Love...

I actually wrote this about a year ago, but I had the same thoughts tonight...    

So I came to a realization tonight.  I figured out that I am in love.  Unfortunately, it wasn’t quite like a Disney scene where the birds chirp and the squirrels dance.  It was more of an uplifting moment where the world was bright and cheery, and then I spiraled into pit of fear.  
You see, I’m not one of those cynics who hate love or claim that it doesn't exist.  My beliefs are quite the contrary.  I believe in love with all my heart.  Love is the only good and pure thing in this universe.  Without it, our world would be a disaster.  I’m talking about all phases of love, here.  It changes, morphs, evolves.  It can be passionate and practical, sweet and strong.  It can start out with butterflies and grow into the deepest, meaningful relationship you've ever had.  Love can even exist without romance; there are so many kinds of love.  
Why, then, am I so scared, you might ask.  Well, I’ve never had something wonderful in my life last for very long.  Is it even possible for "good" to be continuous?  Or is life just a series of ups and downs, going from good to bad and back again?  This is why I am nervous.  This exciting realization that I’ve come to, how long will it last this time?  How soon before it crumbles and falls, leaving me to once again pick up the pieces of my broken life and start over?  I know nothing in life is worth much if there is no risk, but when will there be some constancy?  Will there ever be?  I’m excited to be a part of someone’s life, to be connected to and depend on that someone.  And I know that no matter what happens, it will be worth everything that we went through, but I’m just scared.  I’m tired of getting hurt, but I know that even if I do, I will be grateful just to have been a part of something so wonderful.

...This feeling of anxiety is something that I felt again tonight.  Though Ben and I have been together for over a year, I'm still scared about the future.  Especially now, since we just moved in together this week!  I am so very excited about that, but at the same time, I dread what may happen.  The last time that I lived with a romantic partner, it did not end well.  What if this concludes in the same manner?  I guess part of life is not knowing and embracing that fact.  I'll just have to think optimistically and live one moment at a time.